I am sick

Fear not, no more embarrassing trips to the doctors'. I diagnosed myself. It's my tonsils, head, back, legs. Nearly like the old joke "Doctor it hurts when I press here, here, here and here." Except I don't have a sore finger.

Anyway seeing as I'm up this late hour I thought I would give you my instructions for making and drinking co-codamol.

1. Boil kettle. It helps reduce the taste.

2. While kettle is boiling make a drink of juice. The sweeter the better. I like to use Ribena but I suppose orange squash would be all right too. It's also best if you use water from the fridge.

3. Do NOT be tempted to taste your pre-made juice. This will only mean you have further to fall once you have drink the co-codamol.

4. Once the kettle has boiled, pour a small amount (1/4 to 1/3 of a cup) of hot water into your cup with the co-codamol tablet(s) in (please consult package for correct dosage).

5. Wait for the tablets to completely fizz. Then add a shot of dilutable orange juice (Ribena does not work well). Be sure to wait because adding something cold only prolongs the fizzing time, therefore prolonging the agony of having to take it co-codamol at all.

6. Drink mixture in four or five mouthfuls. Be sure to be standing by your pre-made Ribena. I like to stand to drink it, I find it helps with the moaning and fist shaking as you drink it.

7. As soon the co-codamol is done, waste no time in drinking the Ribena. You could even hold it in the other hand to reduce the changeover time.

See, I have it down to a fine art.