Someone farting would have finished me off

As I'm ever keen to get my money's worth from the gym when Karen Marathon suggested going to yoga I was fairly easy to convince. Last week was our first week and it must have been the way we walked or the fact we didn't have our own professional yoga mats that gave the guy the heads up that we were new to the 'sport'.

He's a man probably similar in age to my dad but as nimble as Bambi and as agile as a ninja. When he sits down he does it in one smooth motion which for a balding white haired man looks wrong. But a good advert for yoga.

So in yoga, apparently you can't do anything until you warm up. I've done warm ups before but in yoga, get this, you to lie down. And breathe. That's about it. No, really. This is the sort of exercise I could quite like. After a few minutes of breathing, BambiNinja started talking in a very low, slow voice.

'Just become aware of your toes.'

'Ok. Done. What's next?'

After about fifteen seconds of toe awareness he moved on. I swear, it felt like a minute. Aside from stubbing one I don't think I've ever been as aware of my toes.

'Feel your soles of you feet.'

'Sole feeling? Check.'

Another fifteen seconds later.

'Feel your ankles.'

'Yup ankles still there.'

And so with fifteen to twenty second intervals between body parts he moved on up the body.

'Feel your calves. Feel the muscle soften as you relax.'

This is when I realised, like I didn't know already, that yoga is a slow burner. We felt, became aware of and relaxed our thighs, our hips, our diaphragms, our lungs, shoulders, right arm, right wrist, right palm, right fingertips, then down the left arm to fingertips, our neck, our chin, our teeth, and our tongue.

And then the Communion Fly moment came. You know, those moments when you burst out laughing when you really can't laugh and the more you try to stop it, the more you think about it and the funnier it becomes even though (in most cases) it wasn't that funny to start with. I call it that because once David whispered to me in church moments before receiving Communion that the fly buzzing around the minister's head was going to land on his bit of bread.  

But back to BambiNinja, what did he say to set it off?

'Feel your cheeks.'

'Feel my cheeks? Feel my cheeks? Which ones? Hee hee hee hee. He just said feel my cheeks. Is Karen laughing? Hee hee. This is too funny not to share with anyone else. Hee hee hee. Oh it's so quiet in here, I'm going to laugh out loud. Hee hee. I need to bite my cheek to stop this. Hee hee, cheeks.'

Needless to say the rest of the warm up was spent on concentrating on not laughing. Not sure that really counts. Thankfully it ended pretty soon and when I did finally share the cheek joke with Karen I seemed like a nine year old as she just raised a smile.

The rest of the warm up included more breathing and stretching and then we ripped into the yoga. I say ripped, but really it's just more stretching and breathing, this time in more circular motions you wouldn't really think of. Oh and they've got names. Great names like 'salutation to the sun' and 'peering to the moon' and 'doff your cap to Mars'. Ok so that last one was made up, but I may come up with it. It can't be hard. And the best bit of all these is if you get tired, you get to lie down again. Seriously!

Other great moves include the plough and my new favourite, the camel. Tonight, BambiNinja complimented my camel. No one has ever complimented my camel before. I suppose in fairness, I've never been to north Africa where I imagine people trip over themselves to compliment each other's camel. Hallmark probably even have a card.

Forty five minutes of exercise have never been so...relaxing. But then, like all good sportspeople in yoga you need to cool down. BambiNinja was on it. Turns out it's exactly the same as the warm up. I absolutely promise you, one guy started snoring through it. See, relaxing stuff. Not me though, from about the thighs up all I can think about it feeling my cheeks.

I think BambiNinja must have sensed it and so dragged it out even longer.

'Feel your right cheek.'

'Feel your left cheek.'

'Hee hee. Cheeks. Hee hee.'

Burbank of the north

So there I was, a couple of weeks ago, catching up on my Sky+. We had got dangerously low on percentage and things needed to be watched and/or deleted. 'Best: His Mother's Son' was about an hour and half long so I thought that would be a good candidate.

Did you see it? It was alright. I don't know how much of it was true, and it wasn't helped with the disclaimer that some things were made up. But which ones?

Anyway, there I was watching it and somewhat losing interest. When, about 35 minutes in apparently, it grabbed my attention.

This is the chip shop George brought his mum and dad in the programme. (Is that true? Did he really?)

No? Don't see it? You're not from the 'head then.

It's our local chippy! Both inside and outside shots were used.

Since filming they've obviously decided to paint it this ugly red. Maybe even with the money they got for using it. Probably to stop autograph hunters.

Anyway, when I showed it to the parents they were equally impressed that we'd made it to the small screen. Turns out the church was even used for the production crew. I imagine it was chocker with all their trailers and what not. You know these actor types.

After all that though, I have sufficiently interested my parents in the programme so it's still on our Sky+. Rage.

By the power of...well...internet dossing really

I'm less than a third of the way through the one hundred and sixty essays I have to mark. But what would I rather do?

Create the super hero me of course!

What would my super hero name be? Procrastinator Girl? I could help people around the world to have a doss!

You'll notice I chose the mask. Well I can't think of a superhero with glasses. I think I must be able to swim super fast, because those can only be described as flippers. 

Go on have a doss, create yours here. If you do that'll be one more person I helped!! Fighting the forces of productivity!

No, let me be clear

I am probably much like you - I follow Stephen Fry on Twitter. Over the last number of months I've appreciated his witty insights. But then yesterday I saw this and it made me go off him somewhat.

I do think it matters. I do think people go off politicians because of this. Yes, people should care more about the big issues, but when it's my tax pounds they're fiddling then I have a problem with it. In most cases, everyone else who fiddles expenses does it to a company which loses out on profits. It's not still not right, but it's not me they're stealing from so I care a bit less.

I mean, really? Someone claiming the second home allowance in Southampton when their main home is in Luton and they work in London? Claiming for dog food? Are you joking me, how do you need that for your job as an MP? And then there's claiming for horse manure and just plain taking the piss.

If I hear one more time from a MP trying to save face that they were only acting within the rules and that it's a 'rotten system' (I'm looking at you Shaun Woodward) then they may be responsible for paying for my TV when I smash the old one to smithereens listening to them.

I found this list on the BBC and it renewed my faith somewhat in politicians. Ann Widdecombe has a point. First time I've probably said that.

Now, can we all agree that what they've claimed for is now owned by the state, set up some sort of halls of residence for them all, and then let's move on.

I've blogged from all over the world, but never here

I'm in the garden!! So sunny it is, the parents and I enjoyed our second barbeque and have stayed outside to enjoy the sunshine. We just had a game of compare baby John pictures with baby David pictures. It's a game I think I'll have to play with you sometime, it's fun!

But in the meantime here are some barbeque photos.

The first barbeque

This is the barbeque. Isn't it a wonder? It's got a side burner and a side table. Ooh. In the background you'll also see the mighty decking, the fruits of last summer's labour.

Well there was only three of us so there was no need to fill it. But you are right, those are Jamie's Cracking Burgers on board. So good.

The first burger of many this summer one hopes.

Today's barbeque (I know, two in one week!)

Dad likes to dress for barbeques.

I, however, chose not to wear my cocktail dress.

We went one stage further today and even had dessert on the barbeque. And as I think only 3 readers will be familar with the Camp Kinawind favourite that is Orange Cupcakes I will describe the process with photographs.

Firstly shell out your orange. I recommend a tea spoon.

Fill the orange shell with cake mix, but only about half full. You can add in chocolate chips for extra yumminess. Then wrap it in tin foil. If there are a lot of you, you should each shape it in a different way so you know whose is whose.

After about 15 minutes or so it's ready! It's like an orangey cake. Tasty.

Right time to go, I have some important sitting to do.

My application for neighbour of the year

Karen Next Door is no more. She didn't die or anything, thank goodness. But she has now become Karen Marathon* having completed her first and (I kind of hope) her last marathon. She did it in the respectable time of 4 hours 54 mins and in the process raised over £1000 for Lupus UK. A-maz-ing.

I was ever keen to support throughout. Well, she's my friend isn't she. Plus she asked me to run it with her. Once the laughter had stopped I felt it my duty to cheer from the sidelines as it were.

My support came in a variety of activities - making a playlist for her so she didn't get bored of her music, going to the gym the odd time with her, sponsoring her, and (most proudly for me) lending her my iPod for the big run itself. It's like I ran it myself!!

Come the day itself I, of course, wanted to go see her run and actually cheer from the sidelines. She told me beforehand that it was the Antrim Road she was dreading most - long and uphill. So I decided that was where she'd want to see my cheery face. I got up early on race day and made it through police road blocks and stood and waited...and waited. I was there about 2 hours into the race and although there was plenty of runners going past, hardly any of them were women. So I waited some more, and eavesdropped nicely into conversations. The men beside me had run the Boston and New York marathons. At one point, I had to stop myself chipping into their conversation, totally forgetting that they neither knew me or knew that I had been listening, so discreet I am. (Correct spelling Brian?)

Anyway, I waited and waited some more. Let me just say, that if you're ever going to run the marathon then you should wear something totally distictive. Karen told me she was wearing blue, which turned out to be the most popular colour. As I looked down the Antrim Road there were loads of blue runners hauling their butts up the hill, but none looked like Karen. I did see a guy from YF from years ago running however. It was only slightly awkward as he said hey to me and as I did a double take at him and said hello back before he disappeared round the corner. But back to Karen though, I was starting to get worried, goodness knows she'd had her share of injuries over the training for it, what if something had happened?

I decided a better position was needed, plus Boston and New York had gone on so there was nothing to listen to anymore. So I moved and watched, and as finally as another haze of blue came up towards us, one stood out. Was it Karen?! A quick check of her number revealed it definitely was! I readied my camera, took a quick photo (all too quick as it turned out) and waved at her.

And nothing.

So as she was in front of me, I shouted 'Karen! Karen! Kaaaaarrrreeenn!' She was fiddling with her earphone so would surely hear that last one.

But nothing.

Ah well, I thought to myself, at least I got a photo of her.

Well, technically she is in the shot and smiling. No really, look behind luminous 2308. See the blue headband?

Other people around me gave me sympathetic smiles as she ran on past oblivous to my presence. All I could say was 'Forty five minutes standing here and she didn't even see me'. I know, poor old me eh?!

Disappointed, but not undeterred in my quest for neighbour of the year, I hot footed back to the car to move on to another vantage point - the area around Abbeycentre. Traffic was worse than expected and as I parked the car, I looked down the road to see a bobbing blue headband go past. Dammit.

I started the car again and tried to remember where was next on the route. Off round Abbeycentre I went and promptly got stuck in more traffic. Thinking quickly, I aborted the plan to get to the Shore Road, parked at the Door Store (Neighbour of Year Awards committee, I risked getting clamped by doing that) and ran, yes, ran down to the junction. I looked down the road and saw her emerge from the corner. But something else got my attention.

'Tina!'

I turned round, half expected someone to be calling a Tina beside me, or I misheard it and they were saying 'Seen 'er!' or something. But no, it was my friend Kirsty and her husband walking the route. We had a quick 'how's going/keep it up' conversation. Crucially, this took place as I tried to get my camera into burst mode.

Karen was getting closer and determined she wouldn't miss me this time, I started flailing my hands about, much like people do after accidents to show the ambulance where to go.

This clearly worked and she spotted me! She even smiled for the picture. Unfortunately, my messing about trying to get burst shots meant that I had somehow put it on timer. This is only remarkable in the fact that I didn't take a video which is my usual way to mess up a photo. Honestly I am so like an OAP trying to use modern technology it's unreal. In a panic I switched it off and on again during which time I had little conversation with Karen. She said she was feeling alright and I told her to keep going. See, ever the encouraging friend, me.

As she ran on past me, I tried to take another shot.

Yes, so it turned out to be in black and white this time. I don't even know how to get black and white on my camera! Although, I think this might look cool if you photoshopped the traffic lights to green. Yes, ok I am clutching at straws here.

Pleased that she finally saw me I went back to the car. I didn't run this time, I was still a bit puffed out from running the 200m down the hill.

*English language grammar rules would dictate that I use the Marathon part of her name first, but I won't remember that when I look for her number in my phone, so it has to go at the end. I should also probably call her Karen Pheidippides but as I don't know how to say that I'll go with the simpler Marathon. Plus he did die at the end of it, not a good omen if you ask me.

I usually want to buy JML products

I've been quietly reading Stuff Christians Like for a while now. Still love it. And this week it made me laugh a lot. Twice.

The first one was this post about 'good cop, bad cop youth leaders'. There's a helpful little questionnaire to see which you are and it's funny to me because it perfectly reflects (in a comedic way, so maybe like those fun fair mirrors) much of what I see and do on a Sunday night. You can draw your own conclusions there.

The second was this video which friends of his made. It is hilarious. Everything - the voiceover...the overacting...the clumsiness of the machine is spot on for an infomercial. I laughed at the Spectrum ZX start up noises and the dot matrix printer sound. Retro.

There was one more bit that got me. Stick right to the end you'll understand why.

Yup, where you can get it from.